My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She bit a glass in half.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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