its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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