i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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