He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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