I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
