Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You made out with two different species that night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
