Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
