There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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