Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
