my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
