i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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