lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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