They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
