It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize