life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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