so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize