my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
