Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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