Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
