The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
