walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I deserve this hangover.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
