they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
