looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
