After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
