And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
