you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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