You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
