Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
