i can't believe i had my finger in that
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also, beer. Big fan.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
