Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
