he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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