I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
