If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
