I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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