Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize