the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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