bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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