I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Randomize