I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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