Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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