I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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