the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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