I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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