I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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