i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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