There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
