Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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