so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
