Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
