I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
