I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
