Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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