Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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