the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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